On Healing a Bruised Booty

I’ve found myself not posting here because I’m thinking too much about writing a recipe that will be unique and interesting for you guys. Kale something, tartine something, frittata something. I haven’t been cooking that much lately (trying to find out what bracket I’ll win in the March Madness of sickness) so very little whisking or searing happening in my apartment. Because I feel like blogging today (hello) I’m just going to type and see what happens.

I’m writing from my bed, which is covered in empty water bottles and packets of saltine crackers; strewn from an arm’s reach to as far as the bottom of my feet. An acoustic version of John Mayer’s cover of “Free Fallin'” is playing on my laptop–whatever. American University hoodie on. Sweatpants on. Two comforters and all of the pillows. This is my camp ground.

First–in February–I slipped on ice in a parking lot. I had just gotten out of a physical at the doctor in my hometown, and intended on driving back to Brooklyn that night. Once I slipped I could barely sit in my car long enough to start it. Home it was. My parents were ready to accept their bruised child. Dad grabbed my bags. Mom chanted “YOU’RE A TRIATHLETE. IF YOU CAN DO THAT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING,” while I cried hysterically, unable to move from the floor of the den. It was terribly painful.

My mom, remembering she had a similar situation happen the year before, began reciting from her One Line a Day journal. On the day she slipped, she writes, “I got up and got a mani/pedi.” Then she like ate a sandwich and watched an Oprah re-run. Then she went on to tell me alllllll about February 2013. This information was not helpful.

OK so title of post, yes. For those of you who are here to learn how to heal yourself after a fall like I had, here’s what you need to do: buy a doughnut cushion and sit on it all the time, ice on and off for 30 minutes every day, sleep on your stomach, stand at bars, use Badger Balm (the cooling one) or Tiger Balm or Topricin. Do not even try to exercise. You idiot girl, Melissa. I did this for three weeks.

Then I got a sinus infection. I used to get sinus infections pretty frequently, so this was an easy one for me. Layers, liquids, Netflix, sleep. I was OK for just enough time to see and hug and drink with my best friends from college, in DC. Now I have a stomach virus and my John Mayer acoustic playlist is up to “Heart of Life” (this is not my favorite; will skip). Predicting that today will be the last day of this saga.

This post was written mostly to entertain myself. Thanks for entertaining me by reading it.


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